Normality

I feel the rain rise from below me I feel the fire fall at my feet; see this is what happens when your life is turned up side down by years of depressions deceit. Telling you, you cant be normal you are different from all the rest, which I am fine with because following others and there beliefs has never settled well in my chest, Normality by definition is “conformity with established norms or standards”, in which I have never been accustomed, for normal to me is full of emotions that are wrapped around me like a ball of yarn, they protect me from the worlds sharp points and keeps me from harm. At least that’s what I had imagined but oh what a foolish thought. I learned by experience and this experience can’t be bought. Turns out these emotions aren’t protection at all they are bandages, and this is true. Because when I get my heart torn out I bleed just like you.

'AK'

Moving Forward

I find myself lost in words, but found in the same, these letters I put together to spell out my life and put my feelings in a frame. If Happiness was a Building mine would be a foundation I'm starting over and building high, for this young man will never be hovered over and belongs in the sky. I still remember laying on the side of the road with my best friend bleeding down on me and tears of fear in his eye, I could not stop thinking to myself “we are too young to die”. Still breath enters my lungs and my heart beats with a purpose, but why? Now with the second chance that we have been given I can’t help but try. I have chosen thus far to dwell on the things that need to change with out taking a step forward. Without being to judgmental towards myself I will say I was a coward. I held my troubles high and my spirits low and I was lost behind the walls that towered. So now, although I may not know what my purpose is I still fight every moment, and choose to push through the blackness and forward to the gray. Even though I nearly lost my life at 19, I thank God for the lives that he saved that day. 

                                   "AK"

Godsend

I don’t mind, I don’t care, and in all honesty I know that life will never be fair. Its always the same its always defeat, no matter what road I have taken it seems to repeat. I have tried to balance my life with both bad and good, but the bad out weighs and my smiles are misunderstood. I trust that you are reading this with both eyes open, for with one closed you will miss my point not seeing the words written but hear only the words spoken. The emotions that I am expressing are fearful at best and these phrases I write will put you at ease but never at rest. Faith as I have been taught can and will fix this anguish I feel but it seems as though Faith is out of reach and I am stuck on one frame of this never ending movie reel. Around and round I spin as if losing my control in this mindless repetitive motion I like to call a free for all, but I digress, if you are looking for someone that seems to be calm on the surface I am your winner but I confess what I appear to be on the outer strictly apposes my inner psychosis. Wasted time being spent on my opinion and focusing on false pretentions will be my demise. Confused and lost by the stories I have been told are they honest? Were they lies? Both? So with life eluding me at every dead end, the knowledge that I am gaining from these tribulations will be considered a Godsend.  

  

                                                       "AK"

Remain Humble

I have spoken many times of the depression that I am fighting and that I would stand tall and strong through it but the truth is I have been hiding, I have been terrified of what is happening and the things that I have seen, and if you have ever felt what I have felt then I know you are aware of what I mean. I trust that most of my readers will not understand but I invite you to find out, and find God that I have pushed aside and to lose yourself in him to see what he is about. Now I know I am not perfect and I never claimed to be but I have been searching for a light that I have never seemed to see, and have been waiting for a miracle that has already happened to me, I have ignored the fact that someone carried me once and saved my life for a reason, and although I am not sure what that reason is I am hoping that this writing can explain that no matter where you are the sun will always come after the rain. There will always be a calm after the storm and there is no beast that cannot be tamed. With this writing I am not saying that my troubles are over by any means. For to be without struggles will always be in my wildest dreams, but I will promise you there is one solution for all of the answers that I have sought. And there is a reason for all the endless battles that I have fought. I guess I had just forgotten that God has held my hand through them all fighting along side of me and looking after me no matter what the struggle, I just wish I could say my issues were over but until then I will heed his advice and forever remain humble.

"AK"

Love as I know It

I have loved, and I have lost, but in my defence i have loved, but once you have loved and lost, it is possible to be found by love once again. Although, there is a misconception, Love is not finding someone to live with. Love is finding someone you can't live without....

My question is. Can you be found by the same love you once had? Or has that "love" been forced to the way side to never be found again?

In that question another question arises, if you have loved and lost, did you truly love to begin with? Or was it, a strong feeling of affection that at times may be a misguided emotion that some portray as love which more often than not is a temporary thing. Or maybe you out loved your significant other and they could not keep up? Are you living with out that person happily or are you thinking about what life would be like if things would have had a different ending? Or should I say beginning? For if you go day by day thinking about the one that got away, you are not truly living at all, you are dreaming. In conclusion to this thought, I feel that love is a mystery, and as in every mystery, there is no conclusion untill you find what you are looking for. Until then you are in darkness waiting for love to show you the way out...

Past, Present, and Future

I pity my past, for with every passing day i leave it behind. i envy my future because its always one step ahead of me and i embrace my present because its my defining moment, my chance to affect the days to come. all i can do is hope my present moments affect my future in a positive way and send me on the correct path. That way when i look at my past i can say i lived, i lived with honor, with sincerity, and with love, if only to reserve a spot in hearts and minds of the great mentors that i have learned from. Or to ensure that I have left footprints on the mountains i have climbed and the valleys i have wandered in.

Inspiration

Inspiration is a powerful force, one to not be reckoned with in fact it can be an unstoppable force. One with Inspiration can move mountains and that my friend is a fact. Inspiration is not uncommon nor is it hard to find, from the littlest form to the most vas. from an atom which holds the power to level cities, to the galaxy which still baffles even the most brilliant minded. Whats crazy about it is it was God that was inspired first. the artist of all artists the creator of everything, my biggest mentor. He put it on himself to create all of us. even little ole me. So that is why i thank God daily for what i have become although displeasing at times i am sure, all that i am is because he cared enough to give me parents that loved me, he cared enough to give me a family that raised me to respect and to gain wisdom in everything i do wether right or wrong. more wrong then right it seems but thats what life is about, not regretting the things i have done but using the failures and progressions as a stepping stone to what life has in store for me both, tomorrow and for the rest of my days. Stay tuned for what comes next.

                                                           "AK"

We Are

We speak about dreams as though they are reality, 

we live life with a purpose as though tomorrow is another open door, 

we visualize as if we can already see whats to come, 

we are the creators of our future, the builders of our destiny. 

We are all these things because our dreams will be reality, 

because tomorrow is another open door,

we see whats to come because we are relentless 

we have erased failure from our minds. 

We are the leaders of our generation, 

we are the motivation you have been looking for,

we are the ambition that you seek. 

we are the inspiration for the mentally blocked 

we are the strength for the weak. 

We are what you think about when you imagine. 

we are the things that you could never fathom. 

I would say we were up and coming but we are already on top, 

still exceeding expectations of pessimists and we will never stop. 

We are Black and Grey, and some SNS, 

we are artists we are creators and believe me we are the best. 

movie worthy lives with never ending frames

Forget all the words but remember all the names..

WE ARE..

"AK"

Awake Or Asleep

I woke up this morning tired, i went to bed last night wide awake. 

dreamt all day and thought all night, but what sense does this make, 

i breathlessly rest , i peacefully run, 

its second nature to me now its all i have ever done, 

my mind is racing but my feet stand still

i live for myself, but  for you i would kill, 

my heart feels shattered but a reason is no where in sight 

my fist is blood soaked with no sign of a fight, 

confusion is my best friend and delusion stands to my right, 

to my left is nothing so join me if you would like, 

i am at home with loneliness and a guest in a crowd

my music is so quiet only because the silence is so loud

my lungs are tight and a breath i cant manage

i search for an answer, but what is my damage? 

i gasp and i gasp as my thoughts begin to blur 

i know the end is near, about this i am so sure

all at once life rewinds as if all of this was fake

my eyes now full of tears slam open, and a breath i do take.

sitting up in my bed trembling hoping its over, hoping for no more. 

now the sun has risen and it has set like just like the nights before

i walk to the wall shut off the light and close the door

my eyes wont close i lay restless in my bed

but as i lose consciousness i hear these words in my head..

I woke up this morning tired, i went to bed last night wide awake

cant help the feeling that i have been here before, this has to be a mistake…

                              "AK"

Only You Hold The Key

Enlightened are the few that can look past surface beauty to what lies beneath. Empowered are the ones that can look beyond the walls that block there vision and see what is coming next. The kings and queens of tomorrow are out there breaking through the binds that hold them and changing the world with there knowledge in doing so. I truly believe that there is an artist in all of us, waiting to be released but there are to many things that cloud our vision, a haze of theories and hypothesis with no further investigation. We neglect the facts we ignore the proof and true beauty of the world that we live in, with art around every corner and creativity in all directions, we walk with our heads down from point a to point b, but we forget to enjoy the little things that are the journey. I have confidence that in humanity and every individual is the ability to unlock there inner creative gift that God, our creator, has given us, for without God we are nothing. I believe in hope, I believe that with God's help every individual can put down there destructive manors and build for a change. It's up to you to take what you can out of this writing and run with it, for the words on this paper are only context with out a reader to interpret them, but to be honest only the writer can tell you what is meant when he knowingly confuses his reader and purposely throws you for a loop. Only a painter knows the thousand words that his picture is worth and the inspiration and thoughts that hide behind the paint. Every artist can only hope that the viewer catches but a glimpse of the pain, the joy, the hatred, the love, the fear, the peace and most of all the belief in what they see. We as visionaries have delivered the box but you alone hold the key. 

"AK"

Message From A Friend 2

The morning comes too soon, as the night before seems like a blur to him now, was it real or another fictitious dream that his imagination painted on the walls of his mind. This is his downfall he feels God but neglects to heed his advice. Why do I do this? he thinks to himself,  it seems like my heart and flesh are at battle for for control of my mind like they know it is my mind that will make the final choice. Guess thats why they say, my mind is made up, when a decision is made. as he leaves his house he is faced with the same choices and decisions of days past, and continues to fail, he begins to feel as though his failure is inevitable. Something has got a hold on him and he hates it but he has been in this place for so long that it has become second nature to him. He wakes up in cold sweats most nights with thoughts of his past and the judgement that awaits him. Trying to grasp the memories of the message that he had received so many nights ago, but as the days go by it becomes harder to remember the words that were so uplifting to him then. They are fading quickly along with the traces of hope that he carried with him before, like a canteen that he would drink out of to replenish his thirst, that is now empty and dried up. He is trapped in a low spot, with no ladder to climb his way out like there always has been in the past. So in circles he walks repeatedly making the same wrong decisions, tripping on the same stones as before.  With his mouth dried out and skin cracked from the sun he falls once more, frustrated with himself he rolls to his back contemplating surrender, he notices something in the sand, the little boost that he needed to get back up and continue this fight that he has struggled through countless rounds only to get cornered and knocked back down. As he stairs at the ground he weeps and his tears roll off his bare skin down his out stretched arm and  drip onto the second set of foot prints that walk next to his own for as far as his eyes could see. As God promised he still has not left his side.

"AK"

Message From A Friend

This press conference sucks, thought the young man as he sat at breakfast with his family. It's hard at times to talk with people that have a different mind set than you. To be honest I have not met many people if any at all with the same mind set as me, he thinks to himself. As he sits and ponders he realizes he finds himself day dreaming more and more lately not about fortunes and fame, but of directions and paths for him to take so that he can live his life to the fullest. Finding himself baffled at the opportunities that lay in every which way, he chooses not to act today instead he is patient. He understands that with patience comes answers, with answers comes directions and with directions comes a light that will show you the way through life. He remembers that you can not rely on all answers to be the right ones, so vigilance is key in gaining the knowledge he will need to make it through life's twists and turns. His mind races as if competing against time itself and before long the sun dips into the distance as shadows are cast on the walls of his room that remind him that for another night he is without a clue as to what tomorrow may bring and he is uncomfortably at peace with that. With the thoughts in his head being what seems to be his only companion he talks to himself as if staring into a mirror at his reflection but not as if it is him at all but a complete alter ego is staring back at him. "Hello" he says aloud as his eyes start to wander finding a place on the ground, suddenly feeling embarrassed that he said the words aloud at all. "Hello" a sudden and alarming reply as his gaze snaps back to the mirror to see only himself, has he gone mad? Or was this merely an echo of his own imagination? Deciding to try again he speaks his mind. "There are nights when my mind is calm and sleep is easy, but nights like tonight when my mind is chasing every thought that gives an appearance sleep is not an option". Glancing down at his watch he proceeds, "you would think that at 3:40 in the morning the only thought on my mind would be sleep and the relaxation that comes along with it. Then I realize that loneliness is a major part of my life, its almost a little depressing, not an emotion that I let past my firewall very often but when it gets here it hits hard, like a freight train with no breaks, that doesn't stop with a tap but proceeds to drag you into oblivion". Feeling a bit strange again for once again talking to his own persona, he hears the voice again but this time he was staring straight at himself and never saw movement from the lips of his reflection. The voice speaks again as if evolving from thin air. "Fear not my child for I am with you always". Piercing words but somehow he was not afraid as if he knew who was speaking to him. "You may feel alone, you may feel as though there is no one to show you the way, but I will, all you need do is trust me and I will be your patients, I will be your answers, I will be your direction, because I am your light in the darkness". The voice continues as if it had been reading every thought that was going through his mind. "You knew me once but years have past and time has come and gone and with time you have pushed me aside, not knowing that although you have done so, I have never left you. I am the one that carried you when you were ejected from that truck so many years ago. I am the one that has and will protect you until I see fit to call you home. "Just remember where you came from and how you were raised. Remember how your parents cried at your bed side when you were little, praying and asking that I would keep my arms around you through whatever struggles you may face". The boy sat with tears in his eyes as the words sunk in, with a now more humbled tone he whispers "what have I done? What have I done?" to his knees he dropped as the doors of his heart opened welcoming this new feeling in. He once again speaks as he wipes away his tears and begins to stand "what shall I call you." and with one simple answer the voice speaks. "Some call me Father, some call me Son, some Holy Spirit but I am all three just the same so you can call me Jesus Christ for that is my name, some call me almighty, some call me shepherd and you are my lamb, but no matter the name you give me I am that i am." With that said he laid down in his bed as peace and serenity filled his soul and a stillness soothed his mind, as he closed his eyes and prayed. "Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul  to keep, and if I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take." As he falls to sleep, he remembers the sins he has committed and how he can make it right, and he also knows that there are struggles still ahead and that the Devil wont give up without a fight. All he knows to do is to keep his mind on God and everything will work out in the end, and with that thought he falls asleep only thing on his mind is the message he had received from his closest friend.

                                     "AK"

My Internal Struggle

I speak sentences loaded with honesty. I pull back the hammer and shoot. I fight for the answers, digging franticly on my knees to uncover the root. What I find is dead and broken branches bare and withered now where there once was fruit. This is me, this is who I am, I have lost sight of what I need in life and frankly have not cared. Forgetting about the things that I have made it through and the life that has been spared. So I still believe in the light that shines and will never die, but I have walked away and found that it’s me I need to find. I believe I am grounded and trust that I am set in my way. But the more I meet people and listen to their beliefs I have been forced to admit I sway. Trusting in people that mislead me taking me in the wrong direction as the sun sets in to this ever, darkening grey. This blackness that consumes even the most level minded, is now the perfect definition of the walls I am confined in. The emptiness I see in this room has made me feel numb, with a number of emotions adding up and my fear is the sum. As I scream with feelings that are destroying me do you even hear my call? Or is it your plan to see me find bottom? It must please you to see me fall. The tears that burn my face, will they ever see an end? Or will they continue to make this river to wash away my sins? Am I crossing the line with the questions that I’m asking? Well my apology is yours to keep but my curiosity is everlasting. 

"AK"

The Nature of My Words

Will I forever inhabit this throne? Screaming at the top of my lungs "will this always be my home?" Trying to hold on to what I know and love, thinking of you constantly so I don't forget. trying to get rid of a head ache that is pounding in my head like a drum set. As if an explosion of emotion has been detonated in my soul, like a life time of confusion and keeping it hidden has taken its toll. the walls that I had built so tall, so strong. Finally cracking and tumbling down which is good right? Well it feels wrong. Trying to keep my thoughts outward and not on this percussion. Still hating the way I feel and not wanting to be the topic of discussion. Still my name is mentioned from the mouths of fools, words are spoken that shouldn't as they continue to bend the rules. So I mumble words as if I don't want to be heard with my voice so monotone. I still feel as though I am lost in a crowd because even though i am loved I feel so alone, in a metaphoric sense not to be too literal, but I may be losing my mind. The surface of my being is now rough and tattered where it once was smooth and kind. Don't get me wrong I would hate for you to be confused, my writings are my therapy not to keep you amused, so although this writing may seem to be depressing in nature, it depends on how you depict it, because if you look closely this is more than just depression in these words there is hope on this paper.


"AK"

Share Your Heart

Let me tell you about a part of me that you have not met, don't interrupt me while I write this because I am bound to forget. What I have wanted to say for so long but always pushed aside. Promise me you will keep this secret I have to know you will before I confide. there was once a time when this peace of me would do what it would take, it would fight for me and it would never bend or break.  It would beat with a purpose for everyone to hear, strong steady melody with out a single ounce of fear. My lifeline pumping courage into my veins, and when my mind was week from this depression it would never hesitate in grabbing the reigns. It kept love in my soul and kindness in my eyes, but just like everything else that I hold dear it was shattered, no surprise. This was the beginning of the end as I started losing control of my feelings, the emotion that kept me so grounded lost its ceiling, and day by day i ask my self how am i dealing, with my demons that held me down and ripped, the best part of me away leaving no letter to console, leaving no postscript. So don't judge me to harshly when i ask you this, i am already falling apart. I could really use some help now, will you share your heart?

"AK"

While I Sleep

Standing on this stage all eyes on me, being forced to perform for you, this is not where I want to be, but I paint on my makeup and put on a show or two. You smile, you laugh, you even cry when I am through. What you don't know is you only see what I choose for you to see, and I will only lead you where I want you to be. I will have you immensely subdued by my distraction, while with my other hand I will steal your thoughts for my personal satisfaction. My feeling is if I am forced to to perform despite of how I feel, I will give you a performance from which you will never heal, have you wishing you never came, waking up saying this can't be real. Do me a favor, read this thought once more, and maybe, just maybe you can find the open door. Until then you are stuck in this nightmare i call home, you are trapped in my mind and will remain baffled with the secrets I have shown. Only wanting to be treated like all the rest, trust me when i say for you I only wish the best. So if you could please listen as I say, being looked at like a freak is torture, I want only to speak my mind so I can explain why I am this way. Instead my anger scares you and my sadness tears you down. I wish to be perceived as happy so you will never see me frown. I hope you understand now as you begin to weep, this is not your reality it's what I go through while I sleep.

"AK"

The Strong Side

In the eyes of children we are models of a role. So roll with me down memory lane, before all the misery before all the pain, before all the mistakes before all the shame. To a time when we had it made, back when social status didn't matter when people did not care about how much we got paid. The days I miss before I missed you back when someone said they loved you that feeling was true. Remember now that in the present we are, so it does not matter how we have lived and what we have accomplished thus far. Start today with a mind set to conquer this depression, and put this feeling that is so low, in to recession. So now let us step from the edge of this mountain that we call fear, for we will not be broken and you will never have the pleasure of our tears, but instead we will stand tall and our voices will be heard, as we rise above what you are, and we shadow the absurd. We walk strong in this world in which we reside, killing every notion that we are the weaker side. 

                                          "AK"