The Flight

                While sitting on an airplane from Detroit to SLC I had a thought. Actually I had about a million thoughts but I picked one to write about, to slow my mind down for a minute, it was with out a doubt driving me crazy chasing thoughts around my head, anyway, I decided to write down my ideas so I shut my eyes and began to type. This thought consisted of life lessons and what to do when you are at a low point, how to deal with lost love ones and how to cope with extreme depression, it went on for hours about all the remedies that I could come up with for the worlds legal problems and the issues in the government, I was on a roll writing down what I thought could change the world as we know it, when it hit me, all this stuff that I had been writing was not at all relevant, my theories of what would work probably did not matter to any one else, after all who am I? an oil field worker with an opinion, it even makes me laugh a little bit when i write it down, at least it had taken up some of my flight and given me a little free writing which is always good for a writer to do, as i opened my eyes to take a look at my page before i erased it, I was stunned when all that was written on my page was "WE NEED GOD". Got to love how the imagination works, Guess I did know the answer the the worlds problems after all..


                                                                                                                       "AK"

Can you feel my anger? Can you feel my pain? I know you can see the storm clouds but can you feel the rain? Can you see the hatred in my words that is driving me insane? If not, let me let you in on a secret about my writings so then maybe you can see, this is not my hobby its my therapy.. So when you read these feelings agree or disagree, but what your reading is truth and that truth is what sets me free
"AK"

Judgement

behind every lie is a dirty shovel for with one lie you must dig deeper for another to make your first believable before you know it you are buried and over your head. Now how does it feel to be the root of a weed, the cause of a vine of lies that has reached further and affected more souls than any plague or illness ever has. something that has hurt more people, more friends, more family. The worst part about it is you sit in your chair and you smile, you laugh at the ones you have affected and smirk at others misfortune and feed off there tears. when you think about it you have to know, that there is an end to every evil. There will be a day when you will reap what you sew ten fold and on that day you will be sorry for your mis- leadings. you will beg and you will plead for forgiveness but a once just God will turn his back on you and you will feel the pain you have caused, you will feel the hurt you have spread, with a little lie that you had to keep going, with a seed you had to plant. rethink your actions, for Newtons Law of Motion is not  your rule you are not that lucky, for this act of saving your self will have a much bigger reaction, this is truth. you will be judged trust me you will be judged..

  "AK"

Dismissed Thoughts

                   The feelings I feel the thoughts in my head are worse than the knife that severs. The heart that beats so hard that I cry for what seems like forever, my nerves are so shot that it makes me sick. trying to hide the way I am from the ones I love and afraid for them to know that I am Monophobic,  I can't trust myself to be alone and I hate it.  Confounded by what I think up and disgusted by this thought, dreaming about reality and showing you what I picture as if saying "look at what I brought". You see my heart in my fist beating with a somber tone, I see your eyes are full of tears taking in what I have shown. "I reach towards the sky, if only to ride a cloud, I could make the right decisions this time and I know I could make you proud" . So I envision a day when the sun will always shine, and when someone asks how I am I could be honest when I tell them I am fine. Until that day I understand the disgrace when I answer and lie directly to there face. For now I avoid the non fiction and focus on the false and I believe in the lie that I've painted on these walls, I touch up the imperfections and I support my indirection. Though I am sorry to take up your time I honestly couldn't resist, to share with you this thought on paper and question why I exist. I write down my ideas and try to fix myself, but after ripping up the paper I set them high upon my shelf. No one should ever see this sick and twisted list, it will stay in my library, just another positive thought dismissed.

                                                                                                                                                         "AK"

These Walls

A blank page makes me nervous, like a class room where nothing is taught, so I dig deep to fill the void, and pull the words from my mouth and write them down to savor this thought. I note why my heart is pounding and my mind is never at rest, hoping that sooner or later I will calm the beast that is pounding in my chest. I write down why I have loved and why I have hated and while I am at it I write about these walls that I have created, the walls that keep people out the walls that protect, the walls that deceive and hide the fear of people finding out that inside I am all but perfect. The walls with no doors to let my real self out, terrified at what I might do or say, the walls with no windows, because I am scared that someone will see the real me. Keeping my grey side out so only my sanity shows,  and I feel the walls inside me get weaker as the black continuously grows. 

Just so you know.

I write how i feel, and I do this because its who I am. I post these feelings to show people that not every one is sane but it's what you do with your insanity that makes you what and who you are. Yet I still get people that think I need help, that I need to be medicated for the things may or may not say or think. The truth is I have been this way my whole life and I am comfortable with it. In 7th grade I finally figured out that picking up a pencil and writing about my problems and overcoming them helped me cope tremendously. So before you judge me and the things I write, remember this, no therapy or pill will change who I am and I will not humor you or anyone else in doing so. 

The Gamble

                So, i hang on every lasting word that you speak and i know that they wont last. For secrets that you don't know will arise and shed a light on my thoughts and on my ever darkening past.  One day like the rest you will hate me for what i am, emotionally unavailable, mentally unstable, for i am destroyed and twisted like an over turned table and i don't give a damn. regretting to having known me and loathing the day we met, judging me solely on truths so i cant argue, i don't blame you, and i wont forget. Of the good times we had although they were few, next to the wrist cutting stress and sleepless nights you put me through. In my mind i realize that being with you was a gamble with a substantial bet.  but i owe nothing, aside of a thank you for the smiles as well as the scars that have payed this debt. Now my final question that i ask to you as a friend as my heart begins to rip, was it you or I that was the victim in this dysfunctional relationship? 

Self Portrait

          Give me something to go with, a sign that this will stop. I have been swallowed, i have been engulfed by a feeling that i am terrified by  . My normal yet unconventional remedies are no longer doing the trick. smoking makes me nervous, drinking brings more weight to my shoulders and the feelings i feel are making me sick. My lifestyle i like to call the Black and Grey, seems more black and i fear its hear to stay. and i can feel my knees shaking and my heart breaking with each night fall and every passing day. the fabric of my being has cheapened and is now falling apart from this psychological fray, and although writing is my answer to almost everything this chapter of my life is not my forte. my mind is lost and its hopeless for me to search for it i deem. For every time i search for it i find something i am not looking for things that would make a dreamer not want to dream. thoughts that would make ice shiver, that would make even the fearless scream. So violent thoughts of strangling these feelings take over my thought process and i fall numb to my surroundings aside of the stabbing feeling as my psyche stabs back like i am a pin cushion, God help me. These plans that you have for every one are there and i believe that, but i am dying here at this cross roads with a hundred directions tearing me apart, God why can't i see? So I ask questions as if i want an answer but the conclusion of what i already know is what will ensue. Trust me when i say this is my self portrait and even i wish it wasn't true.