Normality

I feel the rain rise from below me I feel the fire fall at my feet; see this is what happens when your life is turned up side down by years of depressions deceit. Telling you, you cant be normal you are different from all the rest, which I am fine with because following others and there beliefs has never settled well in my chest, Normality by definition is “conformity with established norms or standards”, in which I have never been accustomed, for normal to me is full of emotions that are wrapped around me like a ball of yarn, they protect me from the worlds sharp points and keeps me from harm. At least that’s what I had imagined but oh what a foolish thought. I learned by experience and this experience can’t be bought. Turns out these emotions aren’t protection at all they are bandages, and this is true. Because when I get my heart torn out I bleed just like you.

'AK'

Moving Forward

I find myself lost in words, but found in the same, these letters I put together to spell out my life and put my feelings in a frame. If Happiness was a Building mine would be a foundation I'm starting over and building high, for this young man will never be hovered over and belongs in the sky. I still remember laying on the side of the road with my best friend bleeding down on me and tears of fear in his eye, I could not stop thinking to myself “we are too young to die”. Still breath enters my lungs and my heart beats with a purpose, but why? Now with the second chance that we have been given I can’t help but try. I have chosen thus far to dwell on the things that need to change with out taking a step forward. Without being to judgmental towards myself I will say I was a coward. I held my troubles high and my spirits low and I was lost behind the walls that towered. So now, although I may not know what my purpose is I still fight every moment, and choose to push through the blackness and forward to the gray. Even though I nearly lost my life at 19, I thank God for the lives that he saved that day. 

                                   "AK"

Godsend

I don’t mind, I don’t care, and in all honesty I know that life will never be fair. Its always the same its always defeat, no matter what road I have taken it seems to repeat. I have tried to balance my life with both bad and good, but the bad out weighs and my smiles are misunderstood. I trust that you are reading this with both eyes open, for with one closed you will miss my point not seeing the words written but hear only the words spoken. The emotions that I am expressing are fearful at best and these phrases I write will put you at ease but never at rest. Faith as I have been taught can and will fix this anguish I feel but it seems as though Faith is out of reach and I am stuck on one frame of this never ending movie reel. Around and round I spin as if losing my control in this mindless repetitive motion I like to call a free for all, but I digress, if you are looking for someone that seems to be calm on the surface I am your winner but I confess what I appear to be on the outer strictly apposes my inner psychosis. Wasted time being spent on my opinion and focusing on false pretentions will be my demise. Confused and lost by the stories I have been told are they honest? Were they lies? Both? So with life eluding me at every dead end, the knowledge that I am gaining from these tribulations will be considered a Godsend.  

  

                                                       "AK"

Remain Humble

I have spoken many times of the depression that I am fighting and that I would stand tall and strong through it but the truth is I have been hiding, I have been terrified of what is happening and the things that I have seen, and if you have ever felt what I have felt then I know you are aware of what I mean. I trust that most of my readers will not understand but I invite you to find out, and find God that I have pushed aside and to lose yourself in him to see what he is about. Now I know I am not perfect and I never claimed to be but I have been searching for a light that I have never seemed to see, and have been waiting for a miracle that has already happened to me, I have ignored the fact that someone carried me once and saved my life for a reason, and although I am not sure what that reason is I am hoping that this writing can explain that no matter where you are the sun will always come after the rain. There will always be a calm after the storm and there is no beast that cannot be tamed. With this writing I am not saying that my troubles are over by any means. For to be without struggles will always be in my wildest dreams, but I will promise you there is one solution for all of the answers that I have sought. And there is a reason for all the endless battles that I have fought. I guess I had just forgotten that God has held my hand through them all fighting along side of me and looking after me no matter what the struggle, I just wish I could say my issues were over but until then I will heed his advice and forever remain humble.

"AK"

Love as I know It

I have loved, and I have lost, but in my defence i have loved, but once you have loved and lost, it is possible to be found by love once again. Although, there is a misconception, Love is not finding someone to live with. Love is finding someone you can't live without....

My question is. Can you be found by the same love you once had? Or has that "love" been forced to the way side to never be found again?

In that question another question arises, if you have loved and lost, did you truly love to begin with? Or was it, a strong feeling of affection that at times may be a misguided emotion that some portray as love which more often than not is a temporary thing. Or maybe you out loved your significant other and they could not keep up? Are you living with out that person happily or are you thinking about what life would be like if things would have had a different ending? Or should I say beginning? For if you go day by day thinking about the one that got away, you are not truly living at all, you are dreaming. In conclusion to this thought, I feel that love is a mystery, and as in every mystery, there is no conclusion untill you find what you are looking for. Until then you are in darkness waiting for love to show you the way out...

Past, Present, and Future

I pity my past, for with every passing day i leave it behind. i envy my future because its always one step ahead of me and i embrace my present because its my defining moment, my chance to affect the days to come. all i can do is hope my present moments affect my future in a positive way and send me on the correct path. That way when i look at my past i can say i lived, i lived with honor, with sincerity, and with love, if only to reserve a spot in hearts and minds of the great mentors that i have learned from. Or to ensure that I have left footprints on the mountains i have climbed and the valleys i have wandered in.

Inspiration

Inspiration is a powerful force, one to not be reckoned with in fact it can be an unstoppable force. One with Inspiration can move mountains and that my friend is a fact. Inspiration is not uncommon nor is it hard to find, from the littlest form to the most vas. from an atom which holds the power to level cities, to the galaxy which still baffles even the most brilliant minded. Whats crazy about it is it was God that was inspired first. the artist of all artists the creator of everything, my biggest mentor. He put it on himself to create all of us. even little ole me. So that is why i thank God daily for what i have become although displeasing at times i am sure, all that i am is because he cared enough to give me parents that loved me, he cared enough to give me a family that raised me to respect and to gain wisdom in everything i do wether right or wrong. more wrong then right it seems but thats what life is about, not regretting the things i have done but using the failures and progressions as a stepping stone to what life has in store for me both, tomorrow and for the rest of my days. Stay tuned for what comes next.

                                                           "AK"