Just so you know.

I write how i feel, and I do this because its who I am. I post these feelings to show people that not every one is sane but it's what you do with your insanity that makes you what and who you are. Yet I still get people that think I need help, that I need to be medicated for the things may or may not say or think. The truth is I have been this way my whole life and I am comfortable with it. In 7th grade I finally figured out that picking up a pencil and writing about my problems and overcoming them helped me cope tremendously. So before you judge me and the things I write, remember this, no therapy or pill will change who I am and I will not humor you or anyone else in doing so. 

The Gamble

                So, i hang on every lasting word that you speak and i know that they wont last. For secrets that you don't know will arise and shed a light on my thoughts and on my ever darkening past.  One day like the rest you will hate me for what i am, emotionally unavailable, mentally unstable, for i am destroyed and twisted like an over turned table and i don't give a damn. regretting to having known me and loathing the day we met, judging me solely on truths so i cant argue, i don't blame you, and i wont forget. Of the good times we had although they were few, next to the wrist cutting stress and sleepless nights you put me through. In my mind i realize that being with you was a gamble with a substantial bet.  but i owe nothing, aside of a thank you for the smiles as well as the scars that have payed this debt. Now my final question that i ask to you as a friend as my heart begins to rip, was it you or I that was the victim in this dysfunctional relationship? 

Self Portrait

          Give me something to go with, a sign that this will stop. I have been swallowed, i have been engulfed by a feeling that i am terrified by  . My normal yet unconventional remedies are no longer doing the trick. smoking makes me nervous, drinking brings more weight to my shoulders and the feelings i feel are making me sick. My lifestyle i like to call the Black and Grey, seems more black and i fear its hear to stay. and i can feel my knees shaking and my heart breaking with each night fall and every passing day. the fabric of my being has cheapened and is now falling apart from this psychological fray, and although writing is my answer to almost everything this chapter of my life is not my forte. my mind is lost and its hopeless for me to search for it i deem. For every time i search for it i find something i am not looking for things that would make a dreamer not want to dream. thoughts that would make ice shiver, that would make even the fearless scream. So violent thoughts of strangling these feelings take over my thought process and i fall numb to my surroundings aside of the stabbing feeling as my psyche stabs back like i am a pin cushion, God help me. These plans that you have for every one are there and i believe that, but i am dying here at this cross roads with a hundred directions tearing me apart, God why can't i see? So I ask questions as if i want an answer but the conclusion of what i already know is what will ensue. Trust me when i say this is my self portrait and even i wish it wasn't true.